The Value in Becoming More Comfortable with the Uncomfortable

As I sit to write these few words on World Mental Health Day, I find myself surrounded by newspapers and magazines bulging with content focusing on our physical, emotional and mental wellbeing. This is good.

There’s no doubt we are living in a more accepting world for people who experience or have experienced mental health challenges (which is most of us). There is no shortage of column inches, radio slots and TV interviews for people to share their stories or to give their professional advice. We have travelled far in a fairly short space of time from an era where un-happiness, sorrow, grief or pain was to be silently endured, to where we are now, much more realistic and honest about the experiences and emotions we all navigate throughout our lives. Again, this is good.

What I do feel we need to discuss is a Wellness Industry in full flight placing unrealistic expectations on us. Elements of this multi-trillion dollar economy (valued at $4 trillion in 2018) have built business models on the narrative that we should all be residing in a constant state of happiness and fulfilment, that a positive outlook on life is the only outlook to have, that we must always feel a deep sense of gratitude and appreciation for our lives, that there are ‘good’ ways to feel, and ‘bad’ ways to feel.

I see a couple of real problems with this messaging onslaught. Firstly, these unrealistic expectations are placing massive pressure on us as we feel we must be constantly in this blissful state, and if we’re not, we’re failing. This utopia of constant happiness is not reality.

there is an immense value to be gained by becoming more comfortable with unpleasant or challenging feelings

My role with The Soar Foundation means I’m cognisant of teenage development and how we emotionally and mentally progress into adulthood. The recent ‘My World Survey 2’ research conducted by Jigsaw and UCD surveying approx. 20,000 teenagers revealed some interesting findings. In the past 10 years there has been a significant drop in self-esteem and life satisfaction, while we are seeing increases in anxiety and depression. The always happy and always living your best life narrative, coupled with the fake word of social media where we feel everyone is living a better and happier existence than ourselves, is in no doubt linked to these worrying trends.

Secondly, if we are constantly being told that feeling happy, fulfilled, strong, focused, courageous or calm, etc. (the ‘good’ feelings) is how we should all be feeling, then either consciously or sub-consciously we are interpreting the opposite of these emotions or feelings as ‘wrong’ or ‘bad.’ We are saying there is no place for feelings of sadness, of feeling dejected, of being confused, stressed, afraid or angry. We think that by feeling these things we are failing at life.

Full Spectrum of Emotions

While of course we don’t want to reside in those challenging states for long periods, I do believe there is an immense value to be gained by becoming more comfortable with unpleasant or challenging feelings. To be curious with them. To not push them away immediately or to silence them with distraction or substances. To speak about them and to listen to what they are telling us.

Dr Maeve O’Brien has written about the importance of challenging and contesting the presentation of wellbeing we have been given. She has discussed the concept of ‘illbeing’ and the important role in expressing our challenges and our vulnerabilities as a way to contribute to our overall prosperity. “It is almost impossible to take the ‘big idea of wellbeing’ and human flourishing seriously without acknowledging and trying to contemplate its relation to matters of suffering, unhappiness, arrested development and illness.”

Given the right environment, exploring your vulnerabilities can be a great source of wisdom.

My experience in coaching, and also working with over 45,000 teenagers has given me a great insight into how teenagers and adults deal with the full spectrum of emotions. Of course we are all different, and will experience and deal with emotions in our own unique way, but I believe we are seeing a massive societal swing to over-protect. We are observing many adults constantly on high alert to prevent adversity or challenge visiting our young people. We are circling overhead our teenagers like water planes ready to quench any stressful situation that may flare up.

I believe this approach is doing a huge dis-service to teenagers, and to society as a whole. We are preventing the opportunities to build resilience and develop coping strategies, which means our future generations are ill-equipped to navigate the ups and downs of life in a self-sufficient way.

We need these challenges, and we need to be brave in discussing these challenges to understand how they have affected us and what we can learn from them. I will never forget a kind and well-meaning principal in the West of Ireland running from across the classroom during a Soar workshop to try and prevent a young girl from shedding a few tears while discussing the recent passing of her grandfather. All she was doing was expressing the sadness she was feeling inside that had been bubbling away for months.

Realising.

Purging.

The most natural thing in the world.

What message are we giving that young girl? That sadness and grief are wrong? That these feelings are shameful or not welcome? How will she learn from the experience and know she will be better equipped to deal with future challenges if we are not brave enough to welcome the full spectrum of emotions?

The Stakes are High

As a coach I will always be curious about a person’s life and the challenges they have endured. Only then will I understand them, and the values and strengths they have gained from these challenges to go and achieve future goals.

I have worked with a client recently who was struggling with his self-confidence. His self-esteem was so low that he was seeking approval from his peers like a young boy would from his father. He was unable to lead his team with any sense of conviction and was constantly feeling like an imposter about to be found out. As he said himself – “I’m scared s*itless”.

given the right environment, exploring your vulnerabilities can be a great source of wisdom

I felt it was important to understand him more and explore the root of where these feelings may be coming from. I asked him about his life to date and to land on what he thought were the significant or defining periods. He worked his way up to his early twenties and at that point I saw a change in him. He was nervous and hesitant, but he went on to share his experience of paralysing panic attacks and a general sense of constant fear after he had moved to Australia at 21 years of age. We didn’t run from this conversation. We settled in and tried to understand it through mutual curiosity. What did he think sparked it off? How was he feeling during this period? How did he cope? And looking back now, what does he think he gained from the experience?

Upon reflection he recognised that rather than feel shame or embarrassment, he was immensely proud of his ability to persevere and get through that difficult time. He identified coping mechanisms he used then that he could benefit from again. He identified his strength of character, his resilience, his problem solving, and a realisation that if he got through that difficult experience he has what it takes to navigate his current challenges. He looked like a different man at the end of the session. He had an enthusiasm for the challenge ahead as he realised the inherent capabilities he possessed. All because we weren’t afraid to deal with the more uncomfortable experiences in his life. As mythologist and philosopher Joseph Campbell has written, ‘The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”

There was a point in the above conversation where my heart was beating faster, my breathing more rapid, and I knew the stakes were high. I could sense the same for him. Our natural internal protectors could have understandably steered us to safer waters. But that beating heart means you’re close to the truth. I’ve learned that’s when to hold firm, to push on, because the real breakthroughs reside just outside our comfort zone.

By Mark McDonnell

Mark McDonnell is the CEO of The Soar Foundation, an organisation that has delivered Character Building Programs to over 45,000 teenagers throughout Ireland. Mark has graduated from the Advanced Diploma in Personal, Leadership and Executive Coaching with Kingstown College in 2018.

His work with The Soar Foundation, and as a coach, is driven by a desire for people to have agency over their lives and to move forward with a better understanding of self and purpose.