Published in Kingstown College Coaching Magazine 2019/2020
Once boundaries have been established, don’t assume people will just work them out; communicate them clearly.
Executive Coach and Kingstown College faculty member Judith Spring explains why we find if so difficult to set boundaries, and how the absence of them can effect physical and mental health. Judith also suggests some approaches for individuals and coaches to drawing the line.
Having boundaries between work and your life outside of this space is essential to maintain your physical and mental health.
‘Tell me about your boundaries’ is a question I often ask clients who are struggling with work-related stress or burn-out. Most often, they will sheepishly admit that they had not set any – or further, hadn’t even thought about them at all.
While we all generally acknowledge and agree with the idea of putting in a “fair day’s work for a fair day’s pay”, this doesn’t need to preclude us from putting defined limits on what we consider is “fair”. Boundaries are knowing and understanding what your limits are – where you end and work begins.
The impacts of not setting and maintaining boundaries can creep up slowly. Continuously looking after others ahead of ourselves, working excessive hours, and taking on additional work ultimately leave us feeling exhausted. Often times, these feelings of exhaustion are coupled with resentment. Feeling that others don’t appreciate the effort we are putting in further compounds the impact. When the point of burn-out is reached it is often too late; energy, excitement and interest in work are lost and oftentimes unsalvageable because we haven’t taken care to identify where our positive energy is coming from.
Remember that “you teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop and what you reinforce.”
How to recognise when someone is struggling with boundaries.
Discovering whether someone is struggling with boundary setting and the knock-on effects of stress or burnout requires them to be attuned to their feelings. In being so, they are better able to identify their physical, emotional and mental limits and take care to monitor when they are being reached. A great coaching question could be ‘what are you tolerating?’ to help people recognise that boundaries have either not been set or maintained. Two key feelings that should be used as cues are discomfort and resentment. These may arise from the feeling of being advantage of or not appreciated; from a constant need to please; or, very typically, from a struggle to say ‘No!’.
So why do people struggle to set boundaries?
Guilt, fear and self-doubt are often the factors behind not setting boundaries. People may fear other’s response (especially someone in a position of power) if they set and enforce boundaries. The culture of an organisation may be one where few do set boundaries and so it would feel inappropriate to do so. The boss works all hours – and no-one leaves before the boss!
The need to be liked may prevent people from saying no or putting their needs ahead of other’s.
Saying ‘no’ can make people fearful of how they are perceived, especially by those in power. I’ve heard people say ‘you just can’t say no around here’ while they believe there is an expectation that they will just keep taking on more.
What strategies might people adopt to set boundaries?
Setting and maintaining boundaries is a skill that may not come naturally to all and needs to be learned and developed.
Understand your Limits
One of the most important steps is for people to identify what their boundaries are. Understanding their values is often a helpful starting point. Living according to your values and not to other’s opinions or expectations is more rewarding and beneficial to your self-esteem. What else are you committing to outside work? How will you make time to care for yourself? How flexible can you be? Being overly rigid will create further challenges so people need to recognise what they can let go of from time to time.
Communicate clearly
Once boundaries have been established, don’t assume people will just work them out; communicate them clearly. An ideal opportunity at work is when starting a new role or when setting the annual development plan with your manager. Setting SMART objectives that are clearly prioritised is an excellent framework for discussing subsequent changes or additions to your workload in a professional and fair manner. It is also an ideal time to clarify how flexible you are prepared to be with your time. It is particularly important for people who are working part-time to reiterate their hours as those can often be forgotten.
Practice saying ‘no’
Learning to say No and not be fearful of how this is viewed by others takes practice. Remember, saying Yes and not being able to deliver is worse than saying No! Don’t just practice saying No, practice how you say No. Be clear that you are saying No to the task, not to the person. Some good examples are; ‘I can’t take that on right now but if we reviewed the priorities we agreed to, I may be able to delay something else’ or ‘let me think about it and I’ll get back to you’ would allow time to review other options that may be available.
Manage your time effectively
Often our boundaries are breached because we are not using our time effectively; we allow valuable time to be stolen with time-wasting activities. Keep a time-audit for a couple of weeks to identify exactly how your time was used. Reviewing this against the urgent/important criteria may allow you to be more objective with the tasks you undertake.
Beware the need to be liked
Everyone at work does not have to like us. Mutual trust and respect is most important in any relationship. Being clear on boundaries engenders respect; it builds trust as it makes clear to others what is important to us.
Prepare for Encroachments
For many reasons, and often unwittingly, people will try to push your boundaries. Be prepared for when you can show flexibility but also be timely in highlighting breaches. Stewing over things and becoming resentful isn’t going to help anyone.
Helping others to set boundaries
Pushing staff beyond their limits will, in the long term, benefit no one. Managers should be aware that their staff have boundaries and should encourage them to discuss and set them at their annual performance reviews.
As I was writing this article, the news reached me of the death of the writer Toni Morrison. In 2017, she wrote about her father’s philosophy on work and the four points she took to heart:
- Whatever the work is, do it well—not for the boss but for yourself.
- You make the job; it doesn’t make you.
- Your real life is with us, your family.
- You are not the work you do; you are the person you are.
Establishing boundaries may take time and may initially feel intimidating. However, when you respect your personal boundaries, others typically will, too. Remember that “you teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop and what you reinforce.”
By Judith Spring
Judith Spring is an Executive Coach, Mentor and member of Kingstown College Faculty. Judith has worked across Europe and Australia for organisations including Shell International, Viterra and Kelloggs. During her career, she has been a coach and mentor, particularly helping emerging women leaders to be more confident and more impactful. A vision to see more women having the choice to progress their careers has been the driver for her becoming a full-time coach, focusing on high potential women, to accelerate their growth and development for their own benefit and for the benefit of the organisations they work in. Judith gained her engineering degree from Trinity College, Dublin. She is a graduate of the Governor’s Leadership Foundation Program of South Australia and holds an Advanced Diploma in Personal, Leadership and Executive Coaching from Kingstown Kingstown College.
