Published in Kingstown College Coaching Magazine 2020/2021
what do the words to “sell myself” really mean and what is their impact on my success?
The topic of selling oneself can often be mired in negative connotations. Marie Friel, a mental healthcare professional with twenty years’ experience in sales, opens our eyes to how our beliefs about selling can make the difference between obtaining the true success we crave for and deserve, or not.
The ability to sell yourself is an important skillset to have, and it can often times mean the difference between being able to take decisive action that helps you towards your goals and deciding not to take action, which oftentimes means key parts of your goals may not be met. I have found that the feelings a lot of people have around selling themselves are ones that make them feel uncomfortable. In this article I will outline what the impact of this can be, and how it can prevent people from making the major changes in their lives without them even realising it.
As someone who both comes from a mental health background and has years of experience in a sales environment, I understand the selling process and how this process is mirrored in everyday interactions with each other. When we discuss ideas with colleagues, discuss issues and solutions at meetings, and mostly when we decide to speak up or decide not to speak up.
I heard a quote recently which goes along the lines of “You Meet Yourself When you Start Selling” (by Eben Pagan) and this got me thinking about what the impact of this could be. What do the words to “sell myself” really mean and what is their impact on my success?
Let’s start by stating that selling is all about communicating clearly the values and benefits of something. Selling yourself therefore means you are communicating your values and what benefits you can bring to those around you. This is something that each and every one of us can benefit from. Being willing and able (or not) to sell yourself therefore is all about being able to take the action to influence others how you can be of benefit.
this is all done in the spirit of healthy self-promotion
In a recent meeting that I attended, the group was made up of people from many different backgrounds. The topic of selling yourself came up, and I was surprised at how the word “selling” came with such negative connotations. Selling yourself was attached to connotations and images of pushy salespeople or being arrogant and willing to do or say anything just to get ahead. The truth of the matter is we are all salespeople to some degree. And we need to be able to sell our ideas to those around us to ensure they can be implemented.
Whether we are trying to get that new job or promotion or show a potential coaching client the positive experience of being coached, our lives are filled with scenarios where we are either selling ideas, concepts, persuading people and communicating about ones’ own capabilities and achievements so that new doors and pathways can open to provide better futures. In other words, selling one’s self can be about having the confidence in communicating about the self in a positive way to others.
“To Sell Is Human” is a great book by psychologist Daniel Pink about why ‘selling’ is a natural part of being human. It shows how to become a better ‘seller’ in your everyday life whether it is in work, school, family, or relationships. Interestingly, he conducted a survey called “The What Do You Do at Work?” This survey shows how 1 in 9 Americans work in sales. But the author also states that the other 8 in 9 also spend their days “moving others and depending for their livelihoods on the ability to do it well.” More and more people are now selling in some shape or form.
Let’s explore the impact that our ability to sell ourselves might have in scenarios such as:
INTERVIEWS
When applying for roles and job, you may at some stage look for feedback from a friend about how suitable a job would be. Sometimes they tell you that you are ‘selling yourself short’, or that you are ‘capable of more.’ It means that they have already seen what you can do based on your achievements and successes or potential.
This can be due to not believing in yourself or being uncomfortable about having to promote your abilities in an interview so you can get the job you want. This unwillingness to sell yourself can result in not doing a good interview or worse still, not applying for the job. The truth is it doesn’t matter how skilful or talented you are, if you do not know how to sell yourself to others by showing the real you, and how beneficial you can be, you may always fall just short of reaching your goals.
PROMOTIONS
In a workplace situation, it can be common to find people who have far less skills, talents, or experience than you. You may find some people are more successful than others regardless of merit or experience. In a lot of cases, the factor that separates such successes from failures is the fact that successful people are more comfortable with showing the world who they really are and what they stand for. They can more easily influence people in a way that is beneficial to their goals.
They are willing to embrace the competitive environment in a team for example by showing people what they are really worth rather than forcing oneself to settle for less and this is all done in the spirit of healthy self-promotion in most cases.
SELF-CONFIDENCE
Selling ourselves short is a behaviour related to self-confidence that limits both our effectiveness and the actions we are willing to take. In some cases, it can also affect the levels of respect we get from others in both our personal and working lives.
Some key drivers here might be our own negative internal dialogue. The internal dialogue is explored in popular psychology and psychotherapy and being aware how this will influence our mindset is important. We know that positive self-talk leads to positive emotions and can lead to positive actions being taken.
We must also be aware that we have a negative bias default mechanism within ourselves. This pushes us towards our weaknesses rather than our strengths. We just focus on this which in turns erodes our self-belief and confidence and we hide away from the world. This exhausts our self-esteem and reinforces our fixed mindsets with thoughts such as “I cannot do that.” The limiting action reinforces the limiting belief and other people sense whether or not you believe in yourself.
BELIEFS
In a coaching situation, the coach can understand the beliefs of the client, and the client can understand what beliefs are holding them back from achieving their goals, however, the client must be willing to take the correct action on the correct beliefs. This may mean that the client be willing to push themselves to the front of conversations by promoting their own skills and abilities, to promote the benefits that they can bring to a given situation.
There may be valid reasons why someone cannot bring themselves to sell themselves to others, deep set patterns of beliefs and such. Whatever the cause, the effect is the same, the client will not push themselves out of their comfort zone and will not speak up in a crowd. In the long run the client may reach 80 or 90% of their goal, but the ability to sell themselves in a situation may be the difference between making the last 20% of their goal and not making it. This is the 80/20 rule, the last 20% of the success is 80% of the work, and so the concept of having to sell oneself may be the most difficult task they have to achieve to meet their goal.
From another viewpoint we can see that beliefs are so linked with the internal saboteur. If those internal narratives that are not serving us well are not reframed and reassessed, we will not take that positive action and we may never influence others. The inability to sell ourselves can mean we may continue to miss out on that job interview or promotion, no matter how much coaching is received.
the A for Aspiration should also be A for Action therefore SOAR Model could be SOAAR
The SOAR Model is a coaching model linked to appreciative inquiry which stands for Strengths Opportunities Aspirations and Results. This very much focuses on our own self-awareness and helps us understand our feelings, motives, and desires so that we can deal with them positively.
This is linked to our belief system, and a limiting belief can result in certain aspirations never being expressed and not even being considered. In such a circumstance success can never happen, as action can never be taken. The ability to sell ourselves, therefore, is the necessary action so that success happens, but we must believe we are capable of such action first. If a coaching client is not willing to commit to take consistent action to help change a negative mindset, they will never learn to sell themselves effectively in for example that board room setting or amongst their team. The A for Aspiration should also be A for Action therefore SOAR Model could be SOAAR.
It is the action that produces the result, that action in a lot of cases is influencing others and convincing them that you are the right person. To round off here are some practical things that can be done to help us sell ourselves in a better way: spending time readjusting the negative internal dialogue with a more positive one, focusing on ‘can-do’:
- Recognising what our aspirations are and assessing whether they truly reflect what it is we want or are they what ‘we think we want.’
- Recognising those actions that we have taken which are the ones where we ‘sold ourselves short.’
- Recognising what the driver was and why we sold ourselves short. And recognising those situations where the limiting actions we have taken are the result of a negative or destructive belief.
- Determining what a better course of action would have been in each situation.
- Asking ourselves whether we clearly communicated our abilities and what we can bring to a situation.
The last 20% of the goal takes 80% of the effort and it is 95% psychological in nature.
Marie Friel works in the pharmaceutical industry and has over twenty years of experience both in sales and as a Mental Healthcare professional, she is an aspiring coach having recently qualified as a coach from Kingstown College, Dublin.
