2P&B: A Coaching Tool for You and Your Partner

The support of loved ones is critically important for a client to focus on their goals. But how can they involve their life partner in goal setting? What if in doing that they discover their partner has some goals of their own? Garry Fleming puts forward suggestion for a subtle and enjoyable evening together with surprising results!

This is a tool I have used in my own life for the past 30 years. It allows one to find out what your partner is thinking, hoping, looking forward to, fearful of, wishing for, and all those other things we think we know but somehow, don’t.

All couples feel they know each other but how often do you hear “you never told me that” or “I didn’t know that’s what you were thinking”.

I use it regularly in my coaching practice. Many times I have reached a decisive stage with a client when it is obvious that they need to communicate with their partner/significant other.

How do you do this in a way that is non-confrontational non-threatening, frightening or surprising?

Coming home after a coaching session and saying “There’s something we need to discuss or I have to tell you about a decision I have made, or am about to make, or, things are going to have to change” will often put your partner on the defensive.

How do we approach a decision making scenario without having the defences raised.

“I wonder if you can help me” are 7 of the most powerful words in any language.

I wonder if you can help me? There is an exercise I was given by my coach that involves the two of us. I feel we might both benefit from it.

Then explain the procedure, get a commitment and plan the time and the place.

Many, many, times the results have been excellent. Not only on the business/work front but also on the personal.

In the coaching environment I have clients who have created a situation where a difficult decision they have to make receives the support of their partner. They no longer feel alone. They have someone who supports them. They have shared. They feel stronger and empowered.

On the personal level the response has been fantastically rewarding. Many stories of couples finding new fervour, commitment, understanding, closeness and love in their relationship.

There have been a few surprises too. One client was one of Ireland’s top business figures who was about to retire. When I asked how he got on with the exercise and how his wife responded, he said “Oh I didn’t involve her at all, I just did it with myself, it worked a dream, I now have a real plan of action, it really helped me to focus and prioritise what I wanted to do. Talk about a surprised coach!!!!

So you can’t win them all.

Remember in coaching we are always dealing with people, not just the company, or the job. People have wives, husbands, partners or significant others, whose involvement can often make the difference, to bring about the change they seek – which is why people come to coaching.

The 2P&B Exercise 

The Requirements

• You and your partner
• 2 Pads and pens for writing
• 2 Bottles of your favourite tipple

Alcohol is preferable but not essential. It does however relax the mind and heighten the creative flow. 2 bottles are recommended as the exercise sometimes lasts longer than anticipated and a thirst may ensue! As always, if you are using alcohol please drink responsibly.

The Rules and the Process

1. Phones off!
2. Be by yourselves – no children or other distractions
3. Best before a meal as post prandial lethargy stifles creativity
4. Give yourselves as much time as you like
5. Open the first bottle
6. Separately, each of you start writing down your thoughts on a list of anything you would like “To Do” over the next 12 months. This must be carried out separately, no collusion at this point. (“To do” is only my suggestion it could be; to have happen, accomplish, start, finish, stop, forget, buy, learn etc. you supply your own verb.)
7. When you are both finished read out your list to each other and…
8. … Laugh, because you will! You will laugh at yourself when you hear it aloud and at your partner when you hear theirs. This is good. Actually it’s essential.
9. Challenge, gently.
10. Drink, slowly.
11. Now each of you create a list of your 10 priorities.
12. Share again. Laugh again.
13. Combine the two lists into one list of 10. (It does not matter who has more items on the list as long as it is mutually agreed.)
14. Take this list seriously and give and uphold the commitment to each other.

Relax now and enjoy the rest of the bottle or open the next one if you would like. What you will have accomplished is not just a to-do list but most importantly, sharing and knowledge. We all think we know each other but after this exercise you will know so much more.

Do what you have listed and review in a year and start the same process again.

I would love to hear your experience of this model and if it has been a success tell others, if not tell me!

By Garry Fleming

Garry is a graduate of Kingstown College. He decided to obtain an accredited qualification in the science and practice of Coaching and Mentoring to add professionalism authenticity and gravitas to his 30+ years experience in working with sales teams, worldwide. His practice C4C, Coaching 4 Change specialises in coaching and mentoring Sales Professionals, from executive level down. He focuses on the rehabilitation of wounded sales individuals and teams. His roles included leading and directing sales forces by training, motivating, mentoring and coaching. He now brings his experience as a global sales director to the field of coaching. He has worked for and with: Johnson&Johnson, E Merc, Dow, Integra Life Sciences and Avita Medical. He undoubtedly has a passion for people.